Are We Living Our Lives — or Performing Them for an Audience?

By Asha Nanda for LONDON HOTT RADIO | SOCIAL COMMENTARY & CULTURE

A deep dive into social media, validation, mental health, relationships, money and the search for identity.

The central question

Imagine going out for dinner. Before the first bite, the food is photographed. Before enjoying the view, the perfect angle is found. Before leaving, the pictures are selected, edited and posted.

The evening may have been genuinely enjoyable. But what happens when the experience begins to feel incomplete unless other people can see it?

For many people, social media is a way to preserve memories, communicate with friends, celebrate milestones and express themselves. Yet it also creates a space in which everyday life can become something to display, compare and evaluate.

A holiday becomes a collection of photographs. A relationship becomes a public declaration. A new purchase becomes a status symbol. An achievement becomes a post waiting for approval.

The question is whether we sometimes start making decisions for the audience watching us, rather than for ourselves.

This is not an accusation against an entire generation. It is a question about a social environment in which visibility, engagement and public feedback are built into ordinary communication.

Research from the American Psychological Association (APA) cautions against treating social media as universally harmful or beneficial. Its effects depend on the individual, the content they encounter and how they use the platforms.

That distinction matters: posting your life does not automatically mean you are performing it. The more important question is what role the audience plays in your decisions.

1. What does it mean to perform your life?

Performing your life, in this context, means shaping some of your choices around how they might appear to other people.

It could mean buying something because it looks impressive, visiting a place because it photographs well, hiding difficult moments because they do not fit your online image, or feeling that an experience was not worthwhile because it received little attention.

There is a useful distinction between three things:

• Living: experiencing something for your own enjoyment, fulfilment or connection.
• Sharing: choosing to communicate that experience with other people.
• Performing: feeling pressure to make the experience fit an image or expectation, even when that changes how you would otherwise behave.

These can overlap. Someone can genuinely enjoy a holiday and want to share the photographs. Someone else might feel compelled to document every moment because they worry that an unshared experience will go unnoticed.

The photograph alone cannot tell us which is happening.

The issue is not the act of posting. It is whether the need to present an appealing image begins to outweigh the experience itself.

2. Why do we seek validation?

Human beings have always cared about belonging, acceptance, reputation and how other people perceive them. Social media did not invent these needs. It made certain forms of feedback immediate, visible and measurable.

A person can now receive likes, comments, views, shares and follower counts in response to something they publish. These figures can provide social feedback, but they can also become standards against which people judge themselves.

The validation cycle

1. Post an image or experience

Share a moment, achievement, opinion or appearance.

2. Receive feedback

Likes, comments, shares — or little response.

3. Interpret the response

Feel appreciated, disappointed, overlooked or uncertain.

4. Decide what to post next

The feedback may influence future choices and behaviour.

This is a plausible behavioural cycle, not a universal rule. Some users barely consider engagement figures, while others monitor them closely.

UC Davis Health discusses how social feedback, appearance-focused content and fear of missing out may affect users’ sense of adequacy and mental wellbeing. Its explanation of the brain’s reward system is useful background, but it should not be interpreted as proof that every like produces addiction or that every user becomes dependent on approval.

UC Davis Health

The psychology behind it

• Social acceptance: People naturally want to feel included and appreciated.
• Social comparison: Other people’s apparent achievements can become benchmarks for our own lives.
• Fear of missing out (FOMO): Seeing events and experiences we were not part of can create a sense that we are missing something important.
• Peer pressure: Trends, friendship groups and social expectations can influence what people wear, buy, post and consider desirable.
• Recognition: Sharing an achievement can be a healthy way to celebrate it. The difficulty arises when recognition becomes the main measure of its value.

The important distinction is between enjoying positive feedback and depending on it to determine how we feel about ourselves.

3. The mental health question: what does the evidence actually say?

Social media and mental health are frequently discussed as though the relationship is simple: more screen time equals poorer mental health. The research is more complicated.

The US Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory highlighted concerns about the possible risks of social media for children and adolescents, while also acknowledging that the evidence does not establish that social media is sufficiently safe for young people. The APA, meanwhile, emphasises that effects vary between users and circumstances.

HHS.gov

An umbrella review published in Computers in Human Behavior Reports examined 24 reviews of research on adolescent social media use and wellbeing. It concluded that outcomes depend on multiple factors, including individual characteristics, patterns of use, content and platform design. This supports a more nuanced discussion than simply labelling social media good or bad.

ScienceDirect

Potential effects to investigate

Concern	What the evidence supports
Anxiety and low mood	Some patterns of social media use are associated with poorer mental health, but association does not prove social media caused the problem.
Low self-esteem	Appearance-based comparison and attention to feedback on photographs are linked to body-image concerns and depressive symptoms, particularly among adolescent girls.
Pressure to appear successful	Curated images can create opportunities for upward comparison with people who appear wealthier, happier or more attractive.
Exhaustion from maintaining an image	Constantly managing an online identity may be stressful for some users, although this experience is not universal.
Fear of missing out	Seeing other people’s activities can intensify feelings of exclusion or the belief that others are having more rewarding experiences.

The APA specifically recommends that adolescents limit social media use centred on social comparison, particularly beauty and appearance-related content.

One further point is important: a person experiencing anxiety or low self-esteem may turn to social media for reassurance, connection or distraction. The platform may be part of the problem, part of the coping strategy, or both. Offline circumstances and existing vulnerabilities also matter.

Journalistic takeaway: Do not claim that social media is destroying an entire generation’s mental health. Investigate which uses, features and experiences may be contributing to difficulties, for whom, and under what circumstances.

4. Relationships: are we proving our love or experiencing it?

Consider a couple who genuinely care about each other. One person regularly posts photographs together, while the other prefers to keep the relationship private.

Does that difference mean one person cares less?

Not necessarily.

For some people, posting a partner is a natural expression of affection. For others, privacy is a boundary that protects something meaningful from public scrutiny. The difficulty arises when online visibility becomes a test of commitment.

Questions worth asking include:

• Does a partner feel rejected if they are not posted publicly?
• Are couples comparing the apparent affection in their relationships with what other couples display online?
• Does sharing a private disagreement with an audience make resolving it more difficult?
• Are people measuring relationship quality through photographs, comments and public declarations rather than their private experience?

A study of 115 university students in relationships examined Facebook behaviour and relationship satisfaction. It found that relationship status and including a partner in a profile picture were associated with relationship satisfaction, while other relationship-specific posting behaviours were not significantly associated. The sample was small and the study cannot establish that posting caused greater satisfaction.

PubMed

That is a useful caution against making sweeping claims about couples.

There is also a difference between being publicly visible and being privately supported. A relationship can look affectionate online while experiencing difficulties away from the camera; equally, a private relationship can be deeply loving and secure.

Neither conclusion can be drawn from a profile alone.

The question is not how often a couple posts each other. It is whether both people feel respected, secure and valued, regardless of what the public sees.

5. Money, status and the pressure to keep up

Social media can turn consumption into a public display. Clothes, jewellery, holidays, cars, restaurants and technology can all become ways of communicating status.

That does not mean everyone who buys expensive things is trying to impress others. People spend money for many reasons, including quality, personal taste, enjoyment and practical need.

The concern is what happens when purchases become tied to perceived social worth.

The spending pressure

• Seeing luxury products repeatedly can make expensive lifestyles seem more ordinary or attainable than they are.
• Comparing ourselves with influencers or peers may create pressure to buy things we would not otherwise choose.
• Credit, buy-now-pay-later services and other payment methods can make the immediate cost of a purchase feel less significant than the eventual financial commitment.
• Some creators earn income through sponsorships, affiliate links and commercial partnerships, meaning their content may present products within a business model rather than simply documenting ordinary spending.

Research published in the Journal of Adolescence examined 219 Pakistani university students and found that materialism was associated with compulsive buying, with peer groups, celebrity endorsement and television advertising among the factors studied. The findings are informative, but the sample does not establish how all British social media users behave.

ScienceDirect

A separate survey of 539 young adult social media users and online shoppers in China found an association between excessive social networking use, online compulsive buying and financial anxiety. As a survey-based study, it does not prove that social media use alone caused those outcomes.

ScienceDirect

There is another issue of transparency. The UK’s Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) says influencer advertising should be clearly identifiable as advertising when applicable. Its guidance explains that audiences can struggle to distinguish commercial content from an influencer’s ordinary posts.

CAP

That matters because a lifestyle shown online may involve gifted products, paid partnerships or business expenses that are not obvious to the viewer.

We should not assume that every influencer is pretending to be wealthy, nor that every luxury purchase creates financial harm. We should, however, ask whether audiences are comparing their real financial circumstances with a carefully presented and sometimes commercially supported image.

6. Identity: who are we when nobody is watching?

An online profile is selective by nature. People choose what to share, what to leave out and how to present themselves. That selectivity is not necessarily dishonest; it is part of communicating with an audience.

But a tension can emerge when the online version of a person becomes difficult to separate from their sense of self.

Someone may begin posting what performs well rather than what genuinely interests them. They may avoid sharing an unpopular opinion, conceal an ordinary or difficult day, or feel pressure to sustain an image of constant happiness and success.

Over time, the question becomes: Am I expressing who I am, or am I becoming who I think other people want me to be?

There is no simple way to measure how often this happens across society. It is better treated as an important question for interviews and research than as a proven description of an entire generation.

It is also worth recognising the positive side. Social platforms can help people discover communities, explore interests, express aspects of themselves that feel difficult to share offline, and connect with people who understand their experiences.

The same platform can support authentic expression for one person and create pressure to perform for another.

7. Does the algorithm influence who we become?

The answer requires a distinction between what platforms do and what their users subsequently do.

TikTok’s published explanation of its recommendation system says that its recommendations draw on signals including user interactions, content information and user information. Interactions such as following accounts, liking posts and choosing to skip content can influence what the system recommends. The relative importance of these factors can change.

TikTok Support

This provides a factual basis for saying that recommendation systems can influence what people repeatedly encounter.

The next step is more complicated.

If someone frequently watches luxury travel videos, the platform may recommend more related content. Repeated exposure could provide more opportunities for comparison, influence tastes or make certain lifestyles more prominent in that person’s online world.

But it would be an overstatement to say that an algorithm automatically changes someone’s identity, makes them imitate influencers or controls their decisions.

Users retain agency. They can follow different accounts, search for particular subjects, skip content and adjust available recommendation settings. Their offline relationships, finances, culture and personal preferences also shape their choices.

The strongest journalistic question is therefore not whether algorithms completely control us, but whether personalised feeds can reinforce certain aspirations and make alternative ways of living less visible.

There is also an accountability question: how much can independent researchers establish about recommendation systems when important details of platform design and data are not publicly available?

8. What does this mean for society?

If social approval becomes a major measure of success, public attention can start to look like a form of social currency.

Follower counts may be mistaken for popularity. Luxury possessions may be mistaken for financial security. Attractive photographs may be mistaken for happiness. Public displays of affection may be mistaken for relationship quality.

These are possible errors of judgement, not evidence that society as a whole has abandoned character or genuine connection.

Social media also makes it easier to celebrate achievements, build businesses, organise communities, find support and hear perspectives that may otherwise be overlooked.

A fair investigation must examine both sides.

Ofcom’s UK research provides a useful starting point for understanding how children and adults use online services, their attitudes towards media and their experiences of digital life. Its reports should be used to ground claims about British users rather than assuming findings from American or other international studies apply directly to the UK.

www.ofcom.org.uk

The wider social question remains: when public visibility becomes easy to measure, do we give it more importance than qualities that are harder to display, such as kindness, reliability, generosity and integrity?

That is a question for readers to consider, not a conclusion journalists should impose on them.

9. Can we break the cycle without abandoning social media?

The answer does not have to be deleting every app or refusing to share photographs. A more practical starting point is to examine how social media affects our decisions and whether our habits still serve us.

1. Enjoy experiences without documenting everything

Try occasionally leaving your phone in your pocket during a meal, concert, walk or conversation. Notice whether being present feels different when there is no photograph to capture.

2. Recognise the difference between your life and somebody else’s highlights

An online feed is a selection of moments, not a complete record of another person’s circumstances. Avoid treating it as a fair comparison with your everyday life.

3. Invest in relationships beyond the screen

Spend time with people, have conversations without an audience and respect different preferences around privacy. Online communication can support relationships, but it need not be their only measure.

4. Define success for yourself

Ask what matters to you when nobody is watching. It might be financial security, creativity, family, health, learning, freedom or simply peace of mind.

5. Make spending decisions away from social pressure

Before buying something promoted online, consider whether you genuinely want it, can afford it and would still value it without anyone else seeing it.

6. Curate your feed deliberately

Unfollow or mute accounts that consistently leave you feeling inadequate. Explore different interests, review recommendation controls and consider whether your feed reflects what you value.

These are practical suggestions, not guarantees of better mental health. The APA recommends social media literacy, attention to individual vulnerabilities and protecting time for sleep and physical activity as part of healthier adolescent use.

The objective is not to make people feel guilty for posting. It is to help people make conscious choices about when, why and how they use social media.

10. The questions we should be asking ourselves

The following questions can also form the basis of a London Hott Radio discussion, street interviews or a listener call-in segment.

A private self-reflection exercise. There are no right or wrong answers.Would I still do this if I knew nobody would ever see it?Have I ever felt disappointed by an experience because I could not share it?Do I compare my appearance, finances or relationships with people online?Have I ever bought something mainly because I wanted others to notice it?Does social media leave me feeling connected, pressured, inspired or inadequate?Can I enjoy a private moment without feeling that I need to prove it happened?

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